Monday, December 23, 2013

The 5 Most Bizarrely Unlucky People

We're not saying these are the unluckiest people in history; we realize the world is full of starving children and cancer victims. But sometimes you see people who have weird, one-in-a-million instances of bad luck, often over and over again, and you can't help but wonder if they didn't piss off a Gypsy at some point.

We're talking about people like...

Tsutomu Yamaguchi
Unlucky Because: Only two cities have ever been destroyed by atomic bombs. This man was in both of them.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Tsutomu Yamaguchi

Born in 1916, Tsutomu Yamaguchi was on a business trip to Hiroshima on August 6th, 1945. As he stepped off a tram an atomic bomb blew up less than two miles away, fucking shit up in an extraordinary way.

Eardrums destroyed and temporarily blind, Yamaguchi scrambled to figure out just what the hell happened.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Tsutomu Yamaguchi

After spending a night in an air raid shelter, Yamaguchi decided Hiroshima probably wasn't the safest place to conduct business, so he went home.

To Nagasaki.

A few days later, Yamaguchi was in the office of his supervisor, regaling him with the story of his near-miss with this mythical city-vaporizing super bomb.

And just as he was trying to explain to his boss that it's impossible to sell cars in a city that's literally on fire, there was the distinct sound that few men on earth but Yamaguchi would have recognized: that of another atomic bomb, again detonating just two miles away.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Tsutomu Yamaguchi

Not only did Yamaguchi survive (while somehow not gaining any superpowers from the ordeal) but he's still alive today, at the age of 93.

Yamaguchi currently uses this tragedy to enlighten people on the dangers of atomic bombs.

He has written books on his experience and is an anti-nuclear protester, though it seems like he'd be the one guy out there saying we shouldn't worry about nukes because, really, you can just walk away from that shit.

Jeanne Rogers
Unlucky Because: Pretty much everything.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Jeanne Rogers

Jeanne Rogers lives her life like a sitcom. She's basically a female George Costanza. She's more of an encumbrance than a friend, really, resembling those annoying hostages in first person shooters that have terrible AI and need to be led to safety while continually stumbling into danger.

Sure, she hasn't been struck by lightning as many times as Roy up there, but she has been struck. Twice.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Jeanne Rogers

Then, when she was 18, Rogers was with a friend on a cruise ship taking pictures. She backed up a little too far and fell over the railing into the ocean. Her friend ran to get help but slipped and knocked herself unconscious.

The Three Stooges were painting a wall nearby but were too engrossed in their slapstick routine to help. After regaining consciousness, Rogers' friend got the boat to turn around and pick her up.

Years later, she was walking down the street with her son who suddenly yelled, "Mommy, funny bird!" at which point a bat grabbed her fucking scalp.

Panicked, she started frantically knocking on doors to get help, but each time someone answered the door they decided screaming was a better way to spend their time. The screams angered and confused the bat, which started pissing in her hair and scratching her scalp.

Crying and desperate, an acquaintance finally gave Rogers the keys to her car so she could drive herself to the vet. The acquaintance opted not to drive Rogers herself because it's funnier that way.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Jeanne Rogers
Ok that's, like, the same plot as an episode of The Office.

The unfunny parts of Rogers' struggle with adult-onset ineptitude include being mugged, shot at, strangled, and falling into an open manhole. "Dying doesn't scare me, but living scares the crap out of me," said Rogers.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Jeanne Rogers

She also accidentally pantsed Mister Rogers at a swimming pool. Not her husband Mr. Rogers, mind you, but the actual Mr. Rogers of children's TV fame. So that more or less makes up for everything.

Roy Sullivan
Unlucky Because: He was struck by lightning. Seven times.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Roy Sullivan

Statistically, getting hit by lightning is a three-thousand to one chance. Therefore getting hit seven times is about twenty-two septillion to one. That's 22,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. To 1.

Still not long enough odds for Roy Sullivan, who was a U.S. park ranger in Virginia's Shenandoah National Park. He was, in fact, hit by lightning seven different freaking times.

Some "scientists" theorize that Sullivan's occupation as a park ranger in an area prone to thunderstorms might have something to do with his problem. We prefer to think of him as an undiscovered X-Man with the worst superpower ever.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Roy Sullivan

Sullivan first got struck in 1942 while on a lookout tower. The bolt entered his leg and exited his big toe, shooting the toenail into space. Sullivan has also been hit while driving down a mountain, fishing, and inside of a ranger station.

You've got to wonder if there's something wrong with you when lightning searches you out inside of buildings. It set his hair on fire and Sullivan decided to carry a pitcher of water around with him wherever he went.

Three years later he got struck in the ankle and since we're pretty sure ankles don't catch on fire the water was useless.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Roy Sullivan

Even Sullivan's wife got in on the action while drying clothes outside. They were hanging metal laundry on a steel wire when they both got hit. Things cooled down for two years, but by his sixth strike Sullivan reported that he was actively trying to escape clouds that were "following him."

Lightning didn't do him in, though. Sullivan sadly shot himself when he was 71 years old, over a girl. Take that, lightning.

Ann Hodges
Unlucky Because: She got hit by a fucking meteorite.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Ann Hodges

On November 30, 1954, Ann Hodges was taking an afternoon nap on her couch. Unbeknownst to her, a meteorite was fireballing its way across the sky. The chondrite rock, which we're assuming means "douchebag" in Latin, fragmented into three pieces during its descent. One of the pieces smashed through her roof and hit Hodges in the hip.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Ann Hodges

But that could happen to anyone, right?

Actually, no. She is the only one to ever be hit by a meteorite. Seriously, there's no other case in recorded history.

Mrs. Hodges' luck almost changed when she realized she had a rare toddler-sized fragment of potential money on her living room floor. This light was immediately burnt out by swarms of people who wanted to claim the meteorite for themselves.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Ann Hodges

The United States Air Force, who subscribe to the philosophy that getting crushed by something expensive doesn't denote ownership, helicoptered in and took the rock, presumably mooning Hodges and wagging their dicks as they flew away.

Eugene Hodges, Mrs. Hodges husband, hired a lawyer and got it back. With $5,000 offers coming in, their unfortunately-named landlady Bertie Guy tried to claim it to cover the damages made to the house.

The legal battles, public attention and dwindling offers finally become too much for Hodges and she donated the meteorite to the Alabama Museum of Natural History. We like to think she wiped her ass with it first.

Violet Jessop
Unlucky Because: She almost went down with a sinking ship... three times.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Violet Jessop

Traditionally, sea captains considered it bad luck to have a woman on board when they weighed anchor. Women were said to make the sea angry. On the flip side, the superstition said, if the woman was naked, it would calm the sea. If only Violet Jessop had gone around showing off her hoo-ha, perhaps the Titanic would never have hit the iceberg.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Violet Jessop

Jessop's story doesn't start on the Titanic, however. It starts on board Titanic's sister ship, the Olympic. In 1911, Jessop was a stewardess aboard the luxury liner, getting her bottom pinched by mustachioed men in long coats who added a "harroomph" to the end of every sentence. Or so we assume.

On September 20, 1911, the Olympic collided with a British warship. No one was hurt in that mishap but Violet Jessop decided to move on, to serve on a much bigger, unsinkable ship: the Titanic.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Violet Jessop
Look how unsinkable!

There she brought not only the same bad fortune but also the captain of the Olympic, one Edward J. Smith. Then there was an iceberg and, well, you've seen that movie. Now, we know what you're thinking. It's hardly bad luck that she was on two boat accidents when it was the same captain both times. Clearly he was the problem, right?

We're not done.

You see, Jessop made it to one of Titanic's lifeboats and could only watch as the world's largest metaphor slipped under the waves, setting the stage for James Cameron's disappointing follow up to True Lies.

Most Bizarrely Unlucky People - Violet Jessop

Then in 1916, after a short time away from the sea, Jessop signed up to serve as a nurse aboard the Britannic. Sure enough, it floated into a mine and quickly sunk. This time, Jessop's lifeboat didn't get far enough away from the sinking boat, forcing her to jump into the water. Her head klunked in to the keel of the boat but she survived and, for the third time, made it back onto dry land.

Violet Jessop died of congestive heart failure in 1971. She was buried at sea.

READ MORE: Most Bizarre Forms of Human Sacrifice


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